sit and stare

when i used to have my pet monkey, Billbert, we used to play catch with an old hacky sack i saved from my travelling days. i was playing catch, but he really threw it back AT me, rather than TO me. In fact, when assessing the ferocity and timing (he usually waited until I was not looking at him, to throw it AT me) he employed, he clearly was trying to kill me with that hacky sack. That was years ago. Billbert is gone now. And i just use the time, the time I used to set aside for playing catch with Billbert, to sit and stare. I don't miss him.

sunset, contrail, or government sponsored seed cloud of despair?

i fell out of favor with the god's and was stricken with an uncomfortable bloating and general malaise. relief was only coming with the onset of newer, greater pains, malaise and discomfort. it was in this condition that i decided i must embark on a Happiness Quest! (trademarked) seminar and retreat. And from that retreat i learned that i must "allow you." So, i did, and i said...

"shape your world with bricks and mortar, i will grow my world with dirt and seed."

i wanted it to happen, i wanted to believe, and i had a nice time, but then Monday came, i went back to my 9 to 5, because i wanted to eat, and my seeds hadn't grown yet, and the ones i planted last year fed us for one day in late August, and because Happiness Quest! (trademarked) was not free. and it is a quest, i guess. so, i went back. to you.

shhh...i am actually across the street

there is a short yellow bus circling the apartment building where i live. but, i am not coming out, and i watch it circle impatiently, but i am not coming out.

the space filled

It seems accepted to define our society by our speed and our focus. moving quickly and looking ahead are valued states, and I do not deny their value. But. I know there is more precious and sacred on the squarefoot where I stand than in all the glorious future that can be imagined anywhere.

breakdown

god put us here, able to struggle, so that god could leave us alone and know we would survive. it is not supposed to be easy. we are individuals, because individuals survive. when we die, we die, our energy lives - the oneness of all of us, the shared experience beyond experience. so, we must love who we love, now. we must know that we are society, and society is individuals, but it is not we that matter, nor is it I who matters, it is you and me. love and cherish, now.

"Ground Control...from up here...it almost looks like...a dog, in a sea of blue"

Cartoons bring me home. This is the world where i live, as viewed from space.

imagine how much it would have meant if it was in focus!

This is a photograph that is mostly out of focus. The reason it is here is because some of it is in focus. It reminds me of the people I need; how short this life is, and how beautiful it can be.

he earned it

Epiphanies are fleeting because enlightenment doesn't perpetuate the species. When we reach contradiction, congratulations to us. Now get back to work.

with hindsight

i used to lie in bed for hours after i woke up. i would wonder what i was going to do. i would feel bad about the class i was missing, or the work i was missing, or the -fill in the blank- i was missing. i remember looking down my arm, looking at the thin hairs, and feeling the pressure against my elbow as my arm pivoted up and down over the edge of the bed. i remember staring at the unintentional forms that appeared in the folds of the drapes, or the way the walls come together to meet the ceiling. it was there, in bed, and then, avoiding everything productive, that i peaked.

world turning

i have to give God a lot of credit for keeping this thing spinning for so long. me, i get tired, i am easily distracted, and i am prone to disillusionment. if it were me, i would have given up after i killed all the dinosaurs. oops. that had to be kind of humiliating.

Dear God?

This is the mirror of my truck (under the veil of bird crap). I am not anti-Robin. I do not hate birds. I do not know what I did to deserve this fate. Everyday, more Robin crap. I wash it, I move it, I switch it, and they find it, perch on it, crap on it, and crap on it some more. It is embarrassing. It is disgusting. Is there any escaping the karmic implications? Why me? Why my car? Why such volume? Is this God's plan? Must be. Lots of poop. Jesus doesn't love me.

cheers

i built a fence between my idiot neighbore's (clever spelling alert!) yard and mine. but, he still talks to me, all fake friendly and all, right over the fence, as if the fence is not even there. and i am not egocentrically honest enough to tell him i don't want to talk to him, so i listen, i even nod and smile on appropriate occasion. as it stands now, i am believing that my fake friendly and his fake friendly makes for a better world. and, even though i can't stand the sight of him, he did, after all, once do something nice for me, i think, i don't remember what it was he did, but i am pretty sure it was kind of nice. maybe. so, maybe he is not so bad, and even if i am right and he is so bad, he might just be a mirror. so, you know.

sleep hard!

i like to sleep and i like to do things. those are two ideas, two ambitions, that are nice on their own; but, you try to get them together, and they just hate each other. it is a shame.

occam's butter knife

somehow, i got a scratch on my nose. normally i forgive myself for not remembering the origin of bruises and scrapes when I do notice them, but this one is different. The nose is perfectly situated for identifying any type of incident. it is uniquely located between the ears for sound i.d., right under the eyes for sight i.d., and really close to itself for smell i.d. Nothing should ever happen to the nose without full knowledge. but there it is, a scratch of unknown origin. it must have happened in my sleep. mystery solved. i wish it were more interesting. like, sure, maybe it happened in my sleep, but done as a warning scratch by Somalian pirates who snuck into my bedroom while I slept, gave me the scratch and then will send me an email threatening to make it a full blown cut if i do not give them gems and precious metals and a parrot. Or, maybe it is the first signs of a flesh eating virus that starts as a harmless looking scratch and proceeds to rot out my skull pot, slowly, painfully, and as it happens, my blog gets progressively annoying and poorly written. uh oh.

spring begins where the day ends

As the sun lowers toward the horizon and darkness comes to fill the time in between, the last holdout for light, and for the day, is at the tops of the trees.

right?

colorful spinning wheels of delight. that is the sensation i imagine i will feel when i finally understand that this life is all i imagined it could be and is.

expectations

honest rod's service center charged me $335.07 to replace the "throttle body" on my car. So, they fixed my car and charged me for it, rather than to go through the effort (as per their motto) of "exceeding my expectations with customer service second to none," by dropping an asteroid on my car, giving me a new car, and presenting me with a gold and jimdandium asteroid...and that would have just MET my expectations. How dare anyone think they could exceed jimmy's expectations. Pikers.